whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize