Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
