my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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