im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
