If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
