I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
and you fell through a lawn chair
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize