OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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