Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
