Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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