She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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