Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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