im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
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