Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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