I think my vagina is haunted
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
