so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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