2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
