I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
