even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
