i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
