At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize