i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
