I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
