Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
