i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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