hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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