Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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