He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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