I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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