so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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