and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
