Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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