You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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