Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
