my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
