sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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