is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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