How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
