I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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