Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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