weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I need moral support for this bender
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
