I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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