This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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