the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
