i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
