I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
