pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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