I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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