i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize