You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
