Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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