jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
