You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize