we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
