call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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