And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Every concussion has its silver lining
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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