you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
