I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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