he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
