there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
