I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Randomize
